Winter Blues
Something maybe sniffed in the air during these cold winter months. So far, this season is actually not as bad as the one last year. I recall finding myself unconsciously crying silently while walking early mornings when the previous nights had brought thick snowfalls from the skies beyond my usual, limited horizon, and I put forward a brave front to my destination. I recall seeing bleak & wet snow covered grounds, with buildings, vehicles silently standing, as I trudged in my heavy boots towards my direction for the day. I always remember vividly the pigeons that were huddled together, adding some color to the bleak surroundings, trying to make the most of it, keeping each other warm, and working on feeding themselves with the food some unknown strangers had thought of casting away as refuse (or perhaps deliberately as feeds for NYC's resident pigeons and other avian & mammalian creatures). I thought to myself, the pigeons could very well help themselves, and proceeded to say some prayers to provide myself with bits and pieces of warm comfort.
These past two weeks have brought some kind of a depression in me. It's what some people deliberately term as the "winter blues" which no matter how pressing one work hard on it, the loneliness gets to be creeping into the very crevices of one's soul. I kept asking a lot of questions, most of which I can barely remember. I've found not much of an answer. I tried talking with some friends, but I notice they're busy with their own concerns. They're just trying to prep me up, somehow, but I realize they're far from listening at all (if at all). It's rather really lousy talking with friends when I'm in the blues. They seem to ignore the fact that I can be utterly lonesome, even if I look happy, on certain, unavoidable moments (that tend to last longer than expected).
Headaches may become constant reminders of what could lie ahead on days during a season that maybe as cold, demanding, and empty all at the same time. The hours get somewhat shortened for some unknown reasons. But I'm amazed on seeing many brave souls. I meet up with them on my way out to do my daily obligations. Of course, I could always self-medicate, which maybe viewed by most specialists as dangerous. I'm delighted I'm still very much grounded. I get to intake more food than usual. My roommate told me it's normal to eat more during winter months; I was somehow reassured by her remark as I motivate myself to eat more than my usual fare. Food, indeed, gives me the required heat, to keep on going. It keeps me stronger & able to make me feel more warmer than what the barometer shows, and gets to make me feel confident during this hibernation period.
Earlier, I tried checking on the images found in an old Nokia celfone, which I try to keep, as the memory chip contains some memorable images of people I hold dear in my heart. I saw the photos of my Father as he lies in his casket. His framed near-smiling photo looked so much alive than the very dead body shown lying in the casket. These series of photos were followed by some other photos showing his well-kept grave covered with grass with a shimmering & deep shade of green, and with one photo showing myself standing before the grave, with the bright sun casting its light against the scene. I also happened to take shots of the rainbow which I saw immediately days after my Father was buried. They have been reminders of some mental images prodding my heart and mind to move on. I always heave a deep sigh when I get reminded of them. Of course, there are other odd images, including some which I took when I spent some time trying to visit all the notable museums and galleries here in NYC. As far as I can remember, there's nothing really, similarly as drab as the winter that can ever be experienced in tropical countries like the Philippines (where I originally come from).
But I know I'm overcoming all these. I'm working on it. Thank God.
These past two weeks have brought some kind of a depression in me. It's what some people deliberately term as the "winter blues" which no matter how pressing one work hard on it, the loneliness gets to be creeping into the very crevices of one's soul. I kept asking a lot of questions, most of which I can barely remember. I've found not much of an answer. I tried talking with some friends, but I notice they're busy with their own concerns. They're just trying to prep me up, somehow, but I realize they're far from listening at all (if at all). It's rather really lousy talking with friends when I'm in the blues. They seem to ignore the fact that I can be utterly lonesome, even if I look happy, on certain, unavoidable moments (that tend to last longer than expected).
Headaches may become constant reminders of what could lie ahead on days during a season that maybe as cold, demanding, and empty all at the same time. The hours get somewhat shortened for some unknown reasons. But I'm amazed on seeing many brave souls. I meet up with them on my way out to do my daily obligations. Of course, I could always self-medicate, which maybe viewed by most specialists as dangerous. I'm delighted I'm still very much grounded. I get to intake more food than usual. My roommate told me it's normal to eat more during winter months; I was somehow reassured by her remark as I motivate myself to eat more than my usual fare. Food, indeed, gives me the required heat, to keep on going. It keeps me stronger & able to make me feel more warmer than what the barometer shows, and gets to make me feel confident during this hibernation period.
Earlier, I tried checking on the images found in an old Nokia celfone, which I try to keep, as the memory chip contains some memorable images of people I hold dear in my heart. I saw the photos of my Father as he lies in his casket. His framed near-smiling photo looked so much alive than the very dead body shown lying in the casket. These series of photos were followed by some other photos showing his well-kept grave covered with grass with a shimmering & deep shade of green, and with one photo showing myself standing before the grave, with the bright sun casting its light against the scene. I also happened to take shots of the rainbow which I saw immediately days after my Father was buried. They have been reminders of some mental images prodding my heart and mind to move on. I always heave a deep sigh when I get reminded of them. Of course, there are other odd images, including some which I took when I spent some time trying to visit all the notable museums and galleries here in NYC. As far as I can remember, there's nothing really, similarly as drab as the winter that can ever be experienced in tropical countries like the Philippines (where I originally come from).
But I know I'm overcoming all these. I'm working on it. Thank God.
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